It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
