My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
