I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
