I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
