i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
