She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
