ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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