I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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