I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
