so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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