Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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