Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
