omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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