wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
