So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
