Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We had to coat check the pizza.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
