i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
