Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
