I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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