shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
