Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Randomize
