On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
