Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
