there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
