they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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