I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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