there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
