I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
