News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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