Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
