What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
