I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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