Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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