Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
