we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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