you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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