Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
