My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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