My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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