Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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