why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
