I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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