69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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