woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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