I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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