dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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