Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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