we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
