My sheets look like a crime scene.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
as a side note pls kill me
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
