I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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