so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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