on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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