Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
