I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
